The sun sets and night creeps in like shadows laying down to sleep. In darkness came the anxiety, slamming into me like a freight train. Frozen in my closest near my pajama’s, I sucked in a large, gulping breath. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does happen, it is a doozy.

Our art, our writing, our stories, our friendships, and being our authentic selves, will undo us. There are days, perhaps many, when we wish Jesus would take us. Just slay our earthly mess and give us our Heavenly, incorruptible body, now. This was one of those days.

  “Art is what happens when you dare to be who you really are.” Emily Freeman, A Million Little Ways

I have wanted to run. Pull down every thing I’ve ever written and shut myself away. I have clamped a hand over my mouth and been a mute. I have wanted to live in the safety of a no-risk vacuum. And once there, curl in a ball, forever.

I have wanted the invisible.

I have felt naked and exposed , wrestled a creeping suspicion of “who do I think I am?” Because the very thing which exhilarates me, the Art living inside that needs expressed, is also the same thing that terrifies me.

But this time was different. When anxiety hit my chest, I sent a text message to a small core of people that went, “Please pray. Remember that seldom but big fear I talked about last week? Well, I’m sitting with it tonight.” I sent out a lifeline to close friends because we have determined to face the enemy together. Because there is power in calling out fear and exposing it to others. Once we do that, the noose loosens and our lungs fill with fluid air.

As artists of any kind, as Christians especially, we are prey. Our spirit joins with God in a holy, vulnerable work. And with all that’s within us, the powers of darkness work to stop us.  The enemy seeks to murder us but will settle for shutting up as second best. And in the night, it washes over in a tidal wave meant to drown.

This is why we need like-minded friends. We need writer friends, or art friends, or publishing friends, or local friends, or homeschooling friends, friends who will encourage us in Christ, because we need to share the burden. These are the people who will dispel darkness and usher in light. They too know the battles and face them with us. Jesus may have said “it is finished,” on the cross, but that was only the beginning. Each step of vulnerability or art is like death, a cross-road of choice.

At first we may begin in all bravado. But then we find our frozen self in the closest, darkness devouring any shred of bravery or gumption. We know then and there, a burial will happen. Most likely it will be a burial of pride, of doubt or ego, but especially, fear. And up from the grave comes courage. But Fear puts up a fight. We become Isaac wrestling for a blessing because we are too afraid to let go. So we grip ever harder until we have it.

“I can’t imagine anything more dangerous to the enemy of our hearts than a people who know who they are.” Emily Freeman, A Million Little Ways

Truth is, we are vessels delivering the Kingdom around us.  Even as fear tries to paralyze us and stop it from advancing, eventually after many painful deaths to ourselves, the empty redemptive tomb will bear our witness.

We may have dirt under our nails from clawing at the stone. Dying to our self requires facing who we are and allowing it to be crucified. But then it takes courage to step out and walk into our resurrected lives. That is exactly where God calls us. There is a risk of being undone, the grave clothes unwrapped. Question is, are we willing to come out of the tomb?

What is God calling you to do that makes your heart race with fear? Call it out.

~~Tammy {Duet 31:6}

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